Dyed in the Wool

The more that you get, the less you are.

Vera. Fede.

I'll be honest. Everyday I'm looking for something more. I'm looking for something more than waking up, working, parenting, school, friends, family, love, sex, food, sleep, money... When I stop and think that this is what we're born for, and that after we do it all, we die... I feel an uncomfortable pressure in my torso. I'm 24 years old and I feel like I've wasted a lot of time worrying about the things named above. Not that I don't think they're fundamental parts of human existence, but there has to be more.

This pressure feeling in my chest, inevitably, lead me to an interest in Philosophy. One of my favorite writings is Plato's Myth of the Cave. I recommend reading it to those who enjoy thinking, which I hope is everyone. The only way I can describe the parable without writing the whole thing down (even though it's not that long) is by saying that, simply, there is so much more to everything than we think. So much more than we're taught. Right in front of our faces there is an obvious truth, yet we are not "trained" to see it or understand it. Contrary to what you might think, I'm not driving this blog into any kind of religious account. I'm just sharing, to whatever stranger or acquaintance on the internet might read, that I am not satisfied with what we see. With all that we do after we wake up and before we go to sleep.

Maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with Lost (Yes, I'm referencing Lost again). But in all seriousness, that show was nothing that it appeared. We came to find out in the latter seasons that the island was much more than just an island. So eminently important, rather than just land surrounded by salt water. So in that way, life is my "island". I hope I figure out a great purpose in my life, just like they eventually came to find out about the island. But as for now, my life remains so very plain, ordinary, perpetually working towards goals all the time, toward transient accomplishments. I need to know that life is so much more than meeting goals, being successful, making money, reproducing and dying. There have been many times in my life that I've felt this is all so insignificant I just want to give up on everything. But there are equally as many times as I feel I need to conquer as much as I can because of all this internal query.

I am not a religious person. If anything I'd call myself a "faithful agnostic", meaning I'm not quite sure what it all is for, but I'm hanging on to the faith that it's something I have not perceived yet. I really don't want to get into my beliefs and where I stand on Christianity and Buddishm etc etc... I will say though, that I'll never accept atheism. The day I accept atheism as a possibility, well, that's pretty much the day I lay down and die, so to speak. Because right now I'm surviving on hope that there's a bigger picture to this life. I have to admit the general ambiguity leaves me constantly uneasy. I guess I won't be content until I know the real reason we wake up breathing everyday. And excuse my language in case my nana happens to be reading this, but it better be fucking good.